Fitness Enthusiasts Choose Sleep Over Exercise in Shocking Turn
The Nakuru Municipal Government has officially banned morning jogging after a comprehensive study revealed that 94% of residents who set 5 AM alarms for runs were actually just hitting snooze and going back to sleep, creating what officials call “a city-wide epidemic of fitness-related lying.”
The controversial ban, effective immediately, prohibits all jogging activities before 9 AM and requires runners to submit proof-of-wakefulness certificates before exercising. “We were tired of the charade,” explained Mayor John Kemboi at a noon press conference, chosen specifically because all the morning people were still sleeping. “These so-called ‘morning joggers’ were fooling no one but themselves.”
The investigation began after noise complaints about alarm clocks going off repeatedly at dawn while their owners remained deeply asleep, dreaming about jogging instead of actually doing it. According to the Sleep Foundation, while exercise improves sleep quality, apparently the promise of future exercise is even more effective at keeping people in bed.
Fitness instructor Grace Njeri wasn’t surprised by the findings. “I’ve led 6 AM classes for three years,” she revealed. “My regular attendance is one person: my reflection in the mirror. Everyone else is in a committed relationship with their snooze button.” The morning jogging illusion has created an entire industry of unused running gear and expensive alarm clocks that have never successfully woken anyone.
Research from the Harvard Medical School suggests that the best time to exercise is whenever you’ll actually do it, which for most people is “never, but especially not in the morning.” The study found that owning running shoes increases the likelihood of morning exercise by 0%, though it does increase the likelihood of feeling guilty about not exercising by 300%.
Local resident Thomas Odhiambo admitted his morning running routine was entirely fictional. “I bought the shoes, I set the alarm, I even sleep in my running clothes,” he confessed. “But when that alarm goes off, my body vetoes the whole operation. It’s like democracy, but my sleep vote always wins.” His running app shows zero kilometers logged but 47 motivational notifications snoozed.
The ban has received mixed reactions, mostly from people too tired to form coherent opinions. Fitness influencer Diana Akinyi called it “an assault on wellness culture,” while posting her morning routine from bed at 2 PM. Meanwhile, actual morning joggersall seven of them citywideexpressed frustration at being penalized for others’ alarm clock fraud.
The government plans to redirect resources previously allocated to maintaining empty 6 AM jogging paths toward more realistic initiatives, including afternoon walking trails and evening “gentle movement zones” for people who’ve accepted they’re not morning people. “We’re embracing authenticity,” Mayor Kemboi concluded. “If you’re going to lie about exercising, at least do it at a reasonable hour when you’re actually awake to feel guilty about it.”
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/city-bans-morning-jogging-runners-snooze/
SOURCE: Bohiney.com (https://bohiney.com/city-bans-morning-jogging-runners-snooze/)
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