Coffee Shop Patrons Achieve Enlightenment, Refuse to Leave
The Zen Bean Coffee House in Eldoret has temporarily suspended its popular “Mindfulness Latte” after dozens of customers achieved such profound states of meditation that they refused to vacate their seats, some for multiple days. The establishment has become an accidental monastery, with enlightened patrons blocking regular customers from ordering their regular coffee.
The beverage, which combines fair-trade espresso with adaptogenic mushrooms and something called “monk fruit blessed by actual monks,” was designed to promote calm focus. Instead, it’s created what staff describe as “a peaceful nightmare” of customers sitting cross-legged on tables, humming at frequencies that make the espresso machine malfunction.
Owner Sarah Koech discovered the problem when she tried to close the shop on Tuesday evening and found seventeen customers still seated, eyes closed, some levitating approximately three inches off their chairs. “I said ‘we’re closing’ and this guy just smiled serenely and said ‘time is an illusion,'” Koech recalled. “Like, okay Buddha, but I still need to mop.” Research from Mindful.org indicates that meditation typically enhances awareness, but apparently not awareness of business hours.
The mindfulness crisis escalated when customers began sharing their revelation insights with anyone within earshot. “One woman spent forty-five minutes explaining that she could see through the corporate structure of my coffee shop,” reported barista Michael Kiplagat. “Ma’am, there is no corporate structure. I’m literally the only employee.”
According to the National Center for Complementary and Integrative Health, meditation offers numerous health benefits, but “refusing to acknowledge closing time” isn’t listed among them. The shop has now installed a sprinkler system specifically for overly-meditative customers, though early tests show them interpreting the water as “cleansing rain” and becoming even more zen.
Regular customer Patricia Mwangi witnessed the chaos firsthand. “I just wanted a cappuccino, but I had to step over three people who claimed they’d transcended the need for material possessions,” she said. “Yet somehow they still wanted to use the Wi-Fi password. Funny how enlightenment doesn’t extend to unlimited data plans.”
The situation reached critical mass when customers began forming a commune in the seating area, electing a “Chief Mindfulness Officer” and drafting a constitution based entirely on latte foam patterns. Police were called but refused to intervene after one officer drank the mindfulness latte and joined the commune, claiming he’d “finally found inner peace and also free refills.”
Koech has reformulated the beverage with 80% less enlightenment and added a disclaimer: “May cause temporary spiritual awakening. Please vacate premises within 30 minutes of achieving nirvana. No exceptions.” She’s also considering a new drink called the “Existential Dread Espresso” designed to make customers leave immediately. Early tests show promising resultsnobody wants to contemplate mortality where they also contemplate their bank balance.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/mindfulness-latte-customers-meditate-too-long/
SOURCE: Bohiney.com (https://bohiney.com/mindfulness-latte-customers-meditate-too-long/)
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